Asking These Questions May Help Strengthen Your Relationships

Get to know someone better by asking each other these 36 questions

Staying Sharp

Updated March 26, 2024

A man and woman sitting together by a campfire

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Quick Win

Pick a partner and set aside 45 minutes for a deep conversation.

Why

Asking questions can help people open up and spark meaningful conversations. In a well-known study published in 1997 in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, Arthur Aron found that his curated list of 36 questions created more closeness between participants than a small-talk exercise. These questions start with a gradual sharing of information and get more personal as you progress throughout the exercise, says Aron, a social psychology research professor at Stony Brook University in New York. “Not too much, not too fast.” Per Aron, this exercise works because participants feel heard, that they are liked by the person they are trading answers with, and they are able to find things they have in common. “These three components help to form a bond.”

Try This Today

Select a person you’d like to get closer to. It could be your spouse, mother, child or neighbor.
Schedule a time to chat. This can be done in person or via videoconferencing like Zoom or Skype.
Make sure the person is comfortable getting a little candid. Give your partner a heads-up that you’re going to be engaging in some deeper questions.

Spend 15 minutes asking each other questions from Set I. Ask the questions in alternating order so that each person gets a turn at answering a new question first. After 15 minutes, move on to Set II. Then, devote the final 15 minutes to Set III.

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

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Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …”

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …”

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about him or her; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about him or her already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening, with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told that person yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.