8 Ways to Help a Friend With a Problem

Quick Win

Helping others solve problems can be tricky. The next time a friend wants to talk, focus on listening and asking helpful questions.

Try This Today

• Start by listening. Often that’s the most important thing you can do. Whether your conversation is in person or on the phone, give your friend your undivided attention using these simple tips from Meg Selig, a certified counselor and author of Changepower! 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success. Tune into the content of what your friend is saying as well as her emotions and intentions.
• Empathize. Let your friend know that you are sorry they are in a tough situation.
• Dare to be tentative. Instead of talking like an expert, use phrases such as “it sounds like” and “maybe you are feeling.” You may not know exactly what your friend is going through, but this approach shows your friend you’re engaged, and allows them to clarify their feelings.
• Validate your friend’s feelings — if you can do so honestly — with a statement such as, “You have every right to feel angry [or sad, or anxious].”
• Tell a story. If you’ve had an experience that might shed light on your friend’s situation, ask if they’d like to hear about it. But be careful not to turn the conversation into a mutual gripe session or, worse, make it all about you.
• Ask questions that will help your friend focus on their values. Remember, theirs might be different from yours. Examples include: “What’s important to you?” and “What would make you feel best about yourself?”
• Expand your friend’s perspective. Zooming out can offer a new way to look at difficult situations. Put the dilemma in a larger context, or ask how their future self would feel about it.
• Ask “What can I do to help?” Be prepared to follow through.

Why

Having social support is an essential component of good health and well-being, as emphasized by the U.S. surgeon general’s 2023 advisory. And listening is an important part of that support. In fact, a study of more than 2,100 older adults published in JAMA Network Open in 2021 pointed to the health benefits of social support. Participants who had supportive listeners in their life appeared to be more protected against cognitive decline. The benefits go both ways: Performing acts of kindness may enhance your own happiness, research suggests.