8 Ways to Give Great Advice to a Friend

giving-advice

Try this today

1. Start by just listening. Sometimes that’s the most important thing you can do.
2. Show empathy. Let your friend know that you are sorry he is in a tough situation.
3. Dare to be tentative. Instead of talking like an expert, use phrases such as “I could be wrong,” “it sounds like” and “maybe you are feeling.” The truth is that you really do not know exactly what your friend is going through. So stay humble.
4. Tell a story. If something that happened to you or someone else might shed some light, ask if your friend might like to hear about it. But watch out: You don’t want to turn this conversation into a mutual gripe session or, worse, make it all about you. 
5. Ask “identity questions” that will help your friend focus on her own values rather than on yours. After all, she will be the one living with her decisions. Examples include: “What would make you feel best about yourself?” “What’s important to you?”
6. Validate your friend’s feelings — if you can do so honestly. Say, “You have every right to feel … sad … anxious … mistreated.”
7. Expand his perspective. Suggest a new way to look at the situation. Ask how his future self would feel about the decision or issue that he is pondering today. Remind him that today’s troubles will pass.
8. Ask “what can I do to help?” Be prepared to follow through but also to set boundaries. 

 

When you do feel compelled to give advice, emphasize that you will support your friend, no matter what he or she decides. Then, be ready to listen some more the next time your friend needs help.

Why

Helping friends solve problems can be tricky. Here’s some friendly advice: Sometimes the best advice to give a friend is not really advice at all.

 

That’s because even well-intentioned advice can backfire — making your friend feel like you are questioning her ability to solve her own problems or the choices she already has made. The classic example: Your friend complains about the man she is dating, and you dive in to criticize him and urge a breakup. She not only takes offense — she ends up marrying him and dumping you.

 

The truth is that people often reject direct advice, even when they seem to ask for it.

 

That does not mean you should turn your back on a friend in need. Instead, you can use some simple techniques, says Meg Selig, a national certified counselor and author of Changepower! 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success.